Organized markets will ensure the optimal number of bulbs are screwed in, at the marginal cost of bulb screwing.
How many utility commissioners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five. A problem for three-person commissions. Three commissioners to hear testimony on whether changing the bulb is in the public interest. One more commissioner to direct staff to write the decision and order, to screw it in. And a fifth commissioner to hear appeals, as to whether screwing it in is actually least cost.
How many utility rate managers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one. He or she just proposes to rate base all screwing of light bulbs, with return of and on the invested capital.
How many consumer advocates does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. The inflated cost of screwing in light bulbs would be unduly burdensome to the already-stretched budgets of consumers.
How many environmental witnesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to testify that there's no need to change the bulb. Lighting demand by consumers can be met more efficiently through smarter use of sunlight.
And one witness to propose a new utility business model. The screwing of light bulbs will be done by digital markets of emerging clean technologies and entrepreneurs.
How many utility consultants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A project team of six consultants. Two to develop a model to forecast the stochastic requirement for light bulb screwing. Two more consultants to populate the data base and simulate high, low and medium scenarios. And two more consultants who have testified in numerous bulb screwing cases. They'll appear on a witness panel at the commission proceeding, and recommend how to allocate the revenue requirements by customer class.
How many utility lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Also a project team, but of three. Two associates to review any applicable precedent in the history of civilization on light bulbs, their screwing in, and the methods and costs thereof. And one senior partner to cross examine those who would screw in the bulb or those who would oppose the screwing, whichever is the adverse party.
How many pro-market experts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Organized markets will ensure that the optimal number of bulbs are screwed in, and at the marginal cost of bulb screwing.
How many rooftop solar representatives does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Ten. Three lobbyists to persuade the state legislature that light bulb screwing by rooftop solar companies, rather than by utilities, will create thousands of high-paying jobs. Two communications specialists to get stories written by the media, that bulb screwing by solar companies will fight climate change. And five rooftop solar installers to screw in the bulb.
How many industrial and commercial customer advocates does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. If there are any light bulbs that need to be screwed in, at their facilities, they'll do it and pay for it themselves, thank you.
How many reporters from the national media does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They're too busy looking for seamy stories on the greed of utilities and corruption of utility regulators.
How many of the serial anti-natural gas protesters at FERC meetings does it take to screw in a light bulb?
All of them joined together in song. Chanting over and over: "Screw gas, screw bulbs."
How many PUF editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
We don't do bulb screwing. Instead we dispassionately reflect on the argumentation of the parties in major bulb screwing proceedings. It's hoped one of our readers will be inspired to screw in the bulb, and will obtain a certificate of public convenience and necessity to do so.
Lead image © Can Stock Photo Inc. / Fireflyphoto
