A One-Sided Conversation with Ken Lay of Enron

By (with thanks and apologies to Bob Newhart)

"Ken Lay, please... Oh, Ken, hello, you answer your own phone these days? ... No, I'm not a telemarketer, or a creditor... OR a reporter. Please don't insult me, Ken. This is Bob, your attorney.

"Not your tax attorney... I'm not your criminal-defense attorney either... No, not a real-estate lawyer. And I'm not the person negotiating your book and movie rights... Definitely not a divorce lawyer. Geez, Ken, how many lawyers do you have?... Dime a dozen, huh? I'm sure their rates have gone up.

"I'm your ethics attorney....Yes, ETHICS....... E...T...H.... Not ethical.

I mean, I am an ethical attorney, but that's just my area of practice....Well, yes, there are some. Anyway, we had a telephone appointment for today, remember? To talk about your possible plea bargain with the Justice Department...

Well, somebody made the appointment. Take my word for it.

"Is now a good time?...You're just setting up your home office? That's great. I work out of a home office as well... What's that?... Down in the basement? No windows?... And strange equipment you've never seen before? What's it look like?

"That's probably your furnace, Ken. Think of it as a little gas-fired steam boiler, like at a power plant....No, I don't suppose you've ever seen one up close.... I doubt it will explode, Ken.

"What are you doing right now?...

Putting up wallpaper...using your Enron stock certificates? ...You say you got the idea from Martha Stewart? ...Yes, she is very bright about those things...